How to be a Vero Italiano

1. Eggs may not be eaten before twelve noon.
2. Green means go, red means go. You, personally, always have the right of way.
3. After your three course lunch comes an espresso followed by a cigarette.
4. Family comes first. Period.
   
5. Chicken? In pasta? You can't!
6. Never walk barefoot in the house. You WILL get sick. Slippers are a must.
   
7. Mama always knows best.
8. In fact, while you're cooking, call her every 5 minutes to make sure you're following her recipe to a tee.
   
9. Own multiple cell phones so that you get the best deal with each company.
10. Buy either a big poofy down jacket or an ostentatious fur coat for the winter season.
11. In the summer, overtan.
12. Don't eat out. You can cook better and it will save you money.
13. Buy a motorino.
    
14. Look at waiting in lines as more of a suggestion than a rule.
15. If you are a man, you must own a pair of red pants.
16. Eat only Italian cuisine as that of other countries just isn't as good.
17. Only study in the morning. The evenings are for relaxation.
    
18. Take a break between the hours of 1 and 3 in the afternoon.
    
19. In fact, take the whole month of August off, too.
20. Be wary of prostitutes, their pimps are mafiosi.
21. Never be on time.
22. Don't make eye contact with men. They take it as an invitation.
23. Eat pasta at least once a day.
    
24. Whether it be a watch, a purse, or glasses, you must own something by Roberto Cavalli and something by Dolce and Gabbana.
    
25. You can be certain that your region is the most beautiful and has the best cuisine.
26. Go ahead and think that foods like tangerines and bread are native to your home country.
    
27. If you don't feel well, you probably have a fever.
28. Class is optional and you don't have to accept a grade you don't like.
    
29. Speak in a language that has 14 verb tenses, as opposed to the mere 6 the English language possesses.
30. Only eat sausage that was processed by your grandmother, wine that was fermented by your uncle, and olive oil that was hand-picked by your grandfather.
31. Don't live to work. Work to live!